Seriously, if I could find a way to skip the next 3 weeks or so, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’m sure there are character lessons in trusting God and realizing I can’t control everything to be learned in this period of uncertainty as I wonder whether I’m carrying a healthy baby or just counting down the days to another miscarriage, but I’d rather just skip them, thankyouverymuch.

To be honest, I’ve over analyzed everything to the point where I don’t even know what my intuition is telling me. I couldn’t even tell you most the time whether I’m nauseous, cramping or making it all up in my head. I feel like I should be more nauseous than this by now, though. I’m definitely having round ligament pain and already having Braxton-Hicks contractions (Nuts, huh? I have an overactive uterus, and with Sweet Doodle they started at 8 weeks, but there’s no doubt that that’s what they are…mostly when I pee.  Sorry for TMI!). My face is starting to break out, which actually worries me because it usually happens as part of my cycle and not when I’m pregnant, so I don’t know what that means.

I wish I could just follow the advice to just sit back and wait and see, but that’s really hard for me…really, really hard. I also wish I could have faith that this baby is going to be okay. But I’ve done that 3 times before and been wrong.

I’m trying to keep myself from dreaming of this baby, but that’s not working either. We talk about what he or she would be like and how having another baby would change the dynamics of our family all the time. I’ve stopped myself at actually picturing this little one at birth or imagining holding a new little baby in my arms, but I’m not sure that I’ve done enough to protect my heart.

And so that leaves me to just continue waiting, praying for a healthy baby while also asking God to please be merciful and let it happen soon if a miscarriage is inevitable. I think my worst fear at this point is that I’ll make it past 6 weeks, past 7 weeks, past 8 weeks, start to breathe just a little bit easier and then miscarry.

Thanks for your continued prayers!