It’s kind of ironic that just 10 days ago I was assuring you that this wasn’t going to become a pregnancy journal, and now I’m assuring you that it’s not going to become a miscarriage journal either. However, I do have some random thoughts to get out of my head so that we can get back to crafts and activities and other fun stuff!

But first, a huge – and I do mean huge – thank you to everyone who took the time to leave me a comment or email me after my last post. I appreciate your sadness for our loss, your encouragement and your prayers more than words can say!

Now onto my random thoughts…

1. Three miscarriages feels like a lot. One is fairly average, two is a bit scary because it means it happened more than once. But three feels like something is seriously wrong and we need to be prepared for this to keep happening again and again.

2. I told Sean once before that I never wanted to get pregnant this time of year again because I had lost both babies in November. Well, now with a third miscarriage in the same general timeframe, I really don’t think I can handle another pregnancy during this time of year.

3. I asked Sean to get a vasectomy after I started bleeding. I didn’t really mean it because I know I would regret it, but how do I get pregnant again and not spend the whole time in panic mode?

4. #2 and #3 are proof that I’m not the spiritual giant that my last post may have made me seem. I trust God and I trust that He is good all. the. time., but I don’t think that means that things always work out the way we want them too, and that scares me.

5. I have horrible, horrible intuition. Truly. But I do have uncanny intuition when it comes to my babies in utero. Truth be told, I knew something was wrong with this baby from the moment I took my first pregnancy test (as I did with the last baby I miscarried) and I shared that fear with some friends who encouraged me that everything was probably fine, and I remained hopeful until the end. And when everyone told me that Monkey Doodle wouldn’t make it and a miscarriage was inevitable, I knew they were wrong then too. In some ways, this is a gift because I was prepared (but still incredibly heartbroken!) when I started miscarrying.

6. We have not named this baby yet. We name our babies because we absolutely believe that life begins at conception, and it makes it easier for us to remember and talk about them (which is not incredibly often, but I prefer using their names as opposed to something like “the miscarriage between Monkey Doodle and Sweet Doodle”). However, naming THREE babies? Again, that feels like a ton, and I am having a hard time even thinking about it.

7. My sweet Pumpkin Doodle said to me this morning, “I think my tummy hurts because my tummy is sad that the baby went to Heaven.”

8. Do I regret sharing the news of our pregnancy so early? I don’t. If we had not told, it would be horribly awkward to bring it up now, and frankly, I don’t want to have to go through this by myself. I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused our family, though.

I think that’s it. Thanks again for walking through this with me!