I’m not sure I’ve been married long enough to give much marriage advice at all, but we’re doing pretty good after 6.5 years and with three little ones around (and we’ve come through a pretty “bad” period as well), and I did want to share one tip that I think has helped us deal with conflict.
Sometimes when Sean’s not home, I realize something is really bothering me that I haven’t talked to him about. (Usually something bigger than socks on the floor…) I used to just stew about it and then blindside him when he called or walked in the front door. That wasn’t a very effective method of dealing with it, as you can imagine.
Now, again, these are things that I do think I need to talk to him about, versus little annoying things that I can just forget about and maybe bring up another time when we’re both in good moods. (Like the magazines he always leaves on the floor of the bathroom. They kind of annoy me, but they’re not something that needs to be addressed necessarily because it’s his house too, and he has a right to leave them there!)
Now, however, when something bigger comes up during the day, I will often call and ask if he has a minute to talk, and then I start out with, “I’m a little frustrated, and I need to say something because I’m afraid if I don’t I’m going to end up really mad about it.” Starting out that way gives him a little bit of a heads up and also lets him know that I just need to tell him how I feel, and it also helps me stay calm and rationale (and I think calling him at work helps me to be more thoughtful about the way I handle it because I don’t want to make his workday worse by freaking out on him). I explain what I’m frustrated about and often tell him what I need from him as well (i.e., “I really just need you to explain to me why you did that and apologize”), and he’s able to do that (if an apology is appropriate, of course!), and we’re able to resolve it without ever having a fight.
I’m not sure I have really explained it that well, but I’m a big believer in just telling him what I need rather than expecting him to figure it out, and handling frustrations this way has made a huge difference because I know waiting until he got home would just result in me handling it the wrong way and him reacting to my attitude.
Have you found a different method for talking to your husband about frustrations or issues so that they don’t turn into actual fights? I’d love to hear your ideas too!
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I have to say, that this is not something I am particularly good at. I have the really bad habit of expecting my husband to know what is wrong and to fix it without me giving him any info. In my silly mind I’m thinking, “We’ve been married for almost 9 years now. He knows what angers me, and he knows what to do to make it better. Why should I have to tell him?” Of course, I know that this is ridiculous, but it doesn’t stop me from acting this way every now and then. I like your idea of talking it out before it becomes an issue!
Anne
I’m actually better at writing them I am at talking and telling my husband what is on my mind. What I do is e-mail him about whatever is bothering me so that he has the whole day to think about it and then when he comes home we talk about it.
We’ve been married 13+ years now and THANKFULLY we’ve never really had a bad argument. A few misunderstandings and a few times when we just needed to “get over it”.
Even if I can’t e-mail him I will leave him a note for him to read when he gets up in the AM. That way he has a “heads up” on the matter.
I like your way too. It’s best not to jump all over him the moment he walks in the door. Plus you need to pick and choose your “battles”. It’s not worth having a full blown argument over silly things.